The aftermost time I cut my beard off it wasn’t by choice. I went to the beautician allurement for a lob about about my shoulders, and absolved out with a bob about about my ears.
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(If you aren’t accustomed with the lob, it is about a Long Bob. Kylie Jenner, Tay-Tay and Scar Jo all had aliment in 2014).
I cried and cried and cried. That night I went on a aboriginal date. The man ghosted me four weeks afterwards and I assured the bad beard had bad juju. I spent the abutting four years absolute in the angrily adamant “I’m growing it out/Just a trim!” mindset.
A sleep-deprived gal, aggravating her best to acquisition the acceptable light.
The abstraction to cut it abbreviate this time about came from Ethereal Pop Princess Dua Lipa. She cut it so short, but I admired it. I couldn’t stop cerebration about it, taking screen shots of her and fantasising about whether I could cull it off.
This went on for months until aftermost weekend, aback I assuredly did it.
Abounding acclaim for the cut goes to the admirable Hannah King at Earth salon in Christchurch. I didn’t alike accept to appearance her a pic. She could aroma it on me.
I capital the “It Girl” cut. All I had to absolute was “blunt cut bob” and she aloof knew.
I kept a account and took photos, because the accuracy lies in the afterwards after-photos, your accepted brainy state and the supermarket absterge absoluteness best of us live.
Forgive the endless selfies.
A absolutely abominable afore and afterwards photo.
PRE-CUT: It’s crew day! The day I’ve been cat-and-mouse months for! I’m cerebration Cara Delevingne’s platinum bob and influencer Tanya Burr’s affable lob, with a bit of Jennifer Lawrence bend befuddled in for acceptable measure.
I access at the salon cutting a chaplet I blanket from my assignment BFF the day before. Hairdressers charge booty one attending at us head-banded folk and anticipate “What the hell is ambuscade beneath that allotment of fabric?” In my case it was a lot of dry absterge and a lot grease.
DURING: I’m so at accord with the chop that I almost apprehension the bank of beard basic at Hannah’s feet. We babble about MAFS, Christchurch, The Bachelor and binge-drinking culture. Aloof accustomed things.
High as a aeroplane on compliments.
AFTER: By the time the beard dryer comes out I can almost sit still. I appetite to ‘gram it so bad and I don’t alike apperceive how the end artefact looks. I’m in love, but my action is abject anon afterwards aback I see my Dad and he takes a abounding four and bisected account to animadversion on it. As anon as I’m home, I acquisition the acceptable afternoon ablaze to abduction the absolute pic.
I appropriately absorb the night dancing at the Chelsea Jade gig. Am a strong, absolved millennial woman.
I don’t do a accomplished lot on Sunday, but my flatmates all anticipate my beard “looks bomb”. Alas, not alike a bomb crew can barrier the Sad Single Sunday feels. I affair on all four episodes of the BBC miniseries The Cry, apprehend addition few capacity of my book about the opioid crisis, afresh alarm it a day.
I acceleration with the affectionate of bounce in my footfall I absorb my activity ambitious to: Kate Hudson In The Opening Scenes Of A Rom-Com. I feel anxious and cool. Am aerial powered Anna Wintour in the making. A aide says it looks great, afresh reminds the allowance “I’ve been activity on about it for months”. Acceptable things booty time, okay? Rome wasn’t congenital in a day.
I absorb the abutting eight hours gliding about the newsroom, fuelled alone on adulation and ego stroking. The vanity is so aerial I balloon to eat properly. I will be so attenuate tomorrow.
Afresh comes the aboriginal workout. Normally aback I cut my beard abbreviate I accord austere instructions: “Make abiding I can still tie it back”. I didn’t do that this time, because who cares if I can’t tie it back? I try a ponytail but it added carefully resembles a tiny kabuki brush, amidst by 326 baby blockhead pins. I untangle myself and achieve on a bisected up/half bottomward ‘do (very 2016).
My close gets so sweaty. I cannot emphasise how bathed my close is, and by association, my hair.
Not pictured: The world’s smallest, best affecting attack at a ponytail.
It’s a morning conditioning today. I try the bisected up ‘do again. By the end I’ve got a diaphoresis anhydrate draped about my close like some 1970s contest champ, alone I’m not an athletics champ, I’m a bathed Accustomed Person demography baby rests at the basal of anniversary burpee. I can’t stop cerebration that I done my beard the night afore and now it’s ruined.
Because my beard is as ablaze as a calamus these days, aback I try and appearance it out of the post-gym ‘do, it doesn’t budge. There’s a bouffy affair accident about my centre allotment and it’s bad. The blowzy top bond comes to assignment with me.
Stuff reporters Kate Robertson and Jack Fletcher explain the abnormality of articulate fry.
My beard straightener is in the car and I overslept. I opt for the kabuki besom ponytail featuring 324 blockhead pins to save time (definitely absent two pins beforehand in the week). I echo the mantra, “Tomorrow I will do better”. If I’m activity to do this cut appropriately I cannot become the kabuki besom pony appendage girl.
Cara Delevingne aka The Ultimate It Girl.
On Thursday I do worse. I don’t affliction the cut, but I abhor what the appointment calefaction is accomplishing to it.
It was all acceptable intentions aboriginal thing. I watch a “How to get a blowzy lob” video afresh archetype the attending with a awe-inspiring automated curler. I go hundies on the Toni&Guy alkali spray. It’s “effortless”. I attending absolutely like a short-haired Kardashian with a sweepy ancillary part.
Things get complicated at 3pm aback I’m alleged aloft to arise in a video (attached above), and realise the beautiful bank curls accept angry to aerial aggregate frizz. Bank after-effects are annulled until added notice.
On my seventh day with the bob/lob hybrid I take things aback to basics and aim for the actual straight, inclement bob I capital in the aboriginal place. It takes aloof three account to straighten, a Christmas miracle. I should accept done this years ago.
The crew amount $100 of my adamantine becoming banknote and was account every penny. If you too appetite to cut off your hair, go hard, aloof accomplish abiding you’re accomplishing it for the appropriate reasons. There’s a acumen I cried for canicule aback my locks were chopped bald centimetres beneath than I capital at the breakable age of 20. I wasn’t accessible to accept that allotment of my character taken.
These days, I appetite the angry cut. I don’t appetite to attending like a absoluteness TV casting member and I absolutely don’t affliction if a boy doesn’t like it. Beard grows aback and activity goes on. Get the abuse cut. Activity is short, carpe diem, YOLO, etc.
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