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While you’re all accepting ablaze debates bottomward the pub about whether or not you’ve betrayed yourself by affairs the new Justin Bieber record, there is one man in the UK who couldn’t accord a bits about whether “Sorry” has a dembow riddim. That man is charlatan radio fable MC Grindah, brilliant of BBC Three mockumentary Bodies Aloof Do Nothing, baton of barn aggregate Kurupt FM, and the self-titled best MC in the galaxy.

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MC Grindah doesn’t pay absorption to the trends of the year. He knows what he brand and he brand what he knows. He knows MCing, he knows UK garage, he knows Brentford. For those reasons, we anticipation he would be a abundant actuality to accord us a no-shit analysis of what went bottomward in 2015; the capacity that fuelled our newsfeeds all year long. What was Banksy’s ‘Dismaland’ all about? What’s the abstruse to Craig David’s renaissance? Should we affliction about the $2million Wu Tang album? Was Kanye’s Brits achievement genius? What’s bustling in Brentford these days? And, yeah, should you like Bieber now? This is MC Grindah’s afterward of the year that was two aught one five.

Photo by Adrian Choa via Thump

Anyone who does abode music. Never amount that. So, bun that. Abode in general, man ain’t alike adage names. You apperceive who you are. You apperceive what you’ve done wrong. Stop now, because you will get ashamed by Kurupt FM.

My boy Craig. He’s a acceptable boy. Single handedly brought him aback didn’t I? You’re welcome. The abstruse to his return? Kurupt FM to be honest. Absolutely and truly. Man ain’t fucking about out here. Man is bringing barn back. I alleged Craig, and I said, “Craig, put the dumbbells bottomward and get the fuck out of Miami. Appear aback to London and do garage.” And he was aggressive by that, you know? Done.

What, painter? Or absolute artist? Hmm, apparently Kurupt FM. Because, every year we appear with new shit. So, technically, I am my own new artist. However, authority tight. My mate, this breh, this adolescent kid I best up – I met him at Creamfields – he’s alleged Mike. He’s accomplishing big things now. I gave him a little push. I brought him assimilate civic radio. Since then, he’s absolute up. It’s aloof that midas touch, you know? Man affected him and he angry to gold. So yeah, big up Mikey man. His artisan name is Stormzy. You ability accept heard of him.

Fucking hell, mate. Do I attending like a breh with a tiny little acorn haircut, and an Obey belong and ripped womens jeans? Do I attending like a breh that wears Hype snapbacks counterbalanced on my arch with a floral arrangement on it? No I don’t. So, I do not like that phrase. And that byword goes hand-in-hand with my sole enemy: abode music and abode ravers. So no, it’s a abominable phrase, annul it now.

Stop now, because you will get ashamed by man. I will put you in my agreeable grindah and drove you up. That don’t beggarly I’m activity to affray no one, because no one is on my level. It’s aloof a affable warning. You accept been warned! Can you put gunshot emojis in actuality aback you address it up, yeah? But say, like “lyrically”… Cos I’m not activity to annihilate anyone.

Don’t be lazy, walk. You attending like a freak. Aloof walk. And if not, get your mates to accord you a lift. Like me, I’ve got Decoy, so if I anytime charge a lift, I aloof jump in his car. I was in Nandos the added day and matey was on one of them hoverboards, from the adverse to go and get his sauce. You apperceive what I capital to do? I capital to fly bang him off it. But I didn’t obviously, because I don’t appetite to get aching and that.

Who? Who’s that? I actually don’t apperceive who these brehs are. The breh that wears a skirt?

Did I go to Glastonbury? I didn’t go to Glastonbury. I tore bottomward Glastonbury. Picture this: 2013, Shangri La area, Hell Stage, the ambience is two in the morning. 20 minute set, Kurupt FM appear out and shut it bottomward in advanced of bags of millions of people. We dead it. It was live. I don’t apperceive about this year though, took a little break, because we, err, able-bodied they didn’t absolutely ask us back. But I wasn’t bothered.

A appearance alleged Bodies Aloof Do Nothing. It’s a admirable little affairs set in Brentford, afterward the activity of one of the best accomplished lyricists the apple has anytime seen, and the best charlatan radio station, Kurupt FM. Do you get it? Cos that’s me. Yeah, aloof our affairs to be honest, because I don’t absolutely watch any of the bollocks that’s on telly. But aback I’m on it, oh, I adulation it. I adulation watching myself. I almanac it, and watch it ten times a day.

She’s alright yeah. I ain’t absolutely into her stuff, because acutely she’s like a fifteen year old girl, so it’s a bit dodgy for man to be into that. But anyway, my man Craig David comes through on this radio affair we done for 1Xtra. Here’s man cerebration he’ll aloof appear with the barn abstract and that, but man went abutting and appear with this new tune. I went nuts. He did it over that banty Justin Bieber’s instrumental. Now I wasn’t that into it, but now Craig’s on it, boom, I adulation it.

Photo via Vice by Jackson Drowley

Oh, what’s that Sadland, yeah? Miseryland? Nah. I’m not absolutely into that bollocks. Oh “it’s artery art” and that. I’m beeline up graff. Proper art. Scrawling your name everywhere so bodies apperceive you. That’s the absolute shit.

Pfft, let me think. Well, do you apperceive what? Apparently any song. Because any song with man on it would be better. Maybe if we put addition Grindah ballad on a Grindah song, that would accomplish it better. I alone accept to my music anyway. Man’s apprehensive like that. I accumulate myself grounded.

One of the maddest moments was Wireless Festival. Steve, our DJ, he had never acclimated CDJs afore that, and they didn’t accept any Techniks. And Beats had burst his leg on a moped accident, so man like Beats couldn’t about-face up. So it was me on my own on the mic, with Decoy accomplishing the ad-libs, and man like Steve, aboriginal time on the CDJs, on fifteen hexagon Es and seven curve of speed, and he burst it and I burst it as well.

I apperceive about Bugzy and Chip, yeah. Listen, I’ve had beefs. Big time. Charlatan radio is all about that array of shit. One time, we had a beef with this guy alleged Funky on Lively FM, but it angry out he had no abstraction who any of us were and I was aloof actuality paranoid, but if anyone did appear to our charlatan radio application in Brentford again there would be beef, but for some acumen cipher abroad does charlatan radio in Brentford.

I wouldn’t accept bought it if I had the money. I would accept spent it on a brace of new Avirex’s.

Probably “A Dis One” by Kurupt FM or “Get Out The Way” by Kurupt FM. You consistently apprehend them on the bus. Aback I’m on the bus. Playing them off my phone.

My new year’s resolution? More like my new year’s revolution… It’s to accomplish Kurupt FM go global, and get bigger than, bigger than, badder than, madder than, rougher than, tougher than, yeah? We’re advancing with a new clue for 2k16. It’s alleged “Something Like That”. That’s activity to be shutting bottomward raves. Eventually, you ability accept heard, but I’m cerebration of accomplishing a cine about my life, area I comedy myself in the past, present and future, which agency I get paid three times as much. Apparently advancing out around, well, 2020. Nice annular year, sounds acceptable doesn’t it? MC Grindah: The Film.

You can acquisition Joe Zadeh on Twitter: @Joe_Zadeh

Kurupt FM will comedy Bugged Out Weekender 2016. Click actuality for tickets and information.

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